A little over a year ago I posted my thoughts about my struggles with the month of August and titled it The Last of the Firsts. It’s a catchy title; one that I couldn’t, and didn’t, take credit for. In the post I said:
I was talking to a good friend about how I’ve been feeling and she said, “What you’re going through is totally understandable. You’re going through the last of the firsts.” Hearing my condition, phrased poetically, was so helpful to me.
As you might guess now (but I’m hoping you didn’t guess then), my “good friend” was Rhett.
August is both the month of Colleen’s and my wedding anniversary and the anniversary of her death. The former on the 11th and the latter on the 21st. When I was seeing my therapist in the fall of 2019, shortly after Colleen’s death, I asked her for advice on grief pitfalls I should try to avoid, or at least anticipate. My therapist responded that on anniversary days, birthdays and holidays I should expect a difficult day, take it easy on myself, and leave myself time during the day for remembrance and reflection. This was wise counsel but—as is my tendency—I took the advice too literally and in 2019 overly-focused on the 11th and 21st, and missed how the essence of the entire month would affect me. A core tenet of Alcoholics Anonymous is “progress, not perfection” and in that spirit I’m trying to learn from August 2019 and apply my learning to August 2020.
August in South Florida has such a unique feel to it. Yes, as you might expect, it’s hot as hell. However, it also has its charms: it’s quiet, the roads and beaches are comparatively empty, the ocean is just cool enough to be refreshing but warm enough that you can stay in the water all day, and most everyone you meet is a local and friendly. However, last year all those attributes of a Florida August became triggers and reminders of the prior August. I said to myself last summer that I really need to get out of Florida for August of 2021 in hopes of mitigating the pain.
I’m happy to say that I’m doing that in Maine. I’ve traded 90° heat that sometimes breaks 100° for the 60°s that sometimes breaks into the 70°s. In Florida, the humidity causes massive summertime afternoon thunderstorms; here in Maine it causes fog.
While the August change in venue from Florida has been good for me, an added—and unsuspected—benefit is that parts of the Maine coastline remind me of shores of Chautauqua Lake in Western New York. It’s where Colleen and I both spent much of our summers growing up, where we met in our late-teens and early-20s, where we were married, and where our children spent much of their summers growing up.
I think a lot about recency bias—the human tendency to give recent events more credence than events that happened further in the past. It’s an element of our shared evolutionary biology and is among the litany of physiological and psychological human traits that helped our species survive earlier in our evolution. When Colleen died, I was enmeshed in a protective cocoon of recency bias. It was survival mode for all of us. Fortunately, I survived; unfortunately, Colleen didn’t.
As I searched for positives after her death. One thing that I found is that by looking at old pictures and reminiscing of when we were dating, newly married, and with young children, I could mitigate my over-emphasis on the recent chaos that bipolar disorder and addiction had injected into our family. I could remember Colleen for who she was. I could start to emerge from my cocoon.
In looking back at last year, I realize that the environmental cues of being back in Florida for the last of the firsts had re-triggered my recency bias. Today, I’m happy to be far away in Maine with the added benefit of sailing along shorelines, summer cottages, and kids’ camps that remind me of our earlier and better times.
I plan to remember this lesson and my progress well, and respect the power of geography in August and be far away for the next of the subsequents.
In the spirit of telling enough people what I intend to do as a motivation to get me to actually do it, I have my eyes set on either the Mediterranean or the Canadian Maritimes for next summer. I’m glad to say that I think not only do I have my eyes set on it, but we have our eyes set on it.
Speaking of Florida, home, and August—a couple days ago Rhett flew home to FLorida for 10 days to visit family and friends, and take care of a few things. She asked me if I wanted to join her but I declined both for the reasons outlined above and also to give me some quiet time to work on my Heeling is Healing manuscript. I have the manuscript back from my editor and it’s currently sitting just slightly north of 100,000 words (at a benchmark 250 words per page, that would be a 400 page book—a tome by today’s standards). I’m attempting to hew away more of the stone to reveal more of the statue, and get it to 75,000 words.
As I type this I’m sitting in Hazel’s saloon and we’re anchored in a secluded corner of Rockland Harbor working away and waiting for the fog to lift and the wind to become favorable for sailing further downeast to Acadia National Park.
Our cruising over the past couple weeks has been magical. In Boothbay Harbor we enjoyed a couple nights in a resort hotel room and off Hazel. While there, we enjoyed a trip to the Maine Botanical Gardens:
We then spent a couple nights moored on the tiny Damariscove Island and hiked the island. Although nearly deserted today, it was a bustling fishing port and may have been the first permanent European settlement in North America. According to the Mayflower’s ship’s log, it put into Damariscove in 1620 with 102 pilgrims aboard, “…to take some coddes [dried codfish] before sailing on to Maffachufeets Bay.” The large wooden structure with the red roof in some of the pictures below is the decommissioned Damariscove Lifesaving Station:
We then sailed 40 or so miles downeast (downwind and to the east) to eastern Penobscot Bay. On our sail we passed close to Eastern Egg Rock and saw Atlantic Puffins—a first for both Rhett and me! Peterson’s Field Guide to Birds accurately describes them as a, “…chunky little ‘Sea Parrot.’” While puffins were plentiful in Maine in the 1800s, both adults and eggs were hunted to local extinction by 1900. In the 1970s researchers transported puffin chicks from Newfoundland and laboriously dug burrows for them on Eastern Egg Rock. Their efforts have been highly successful and in 1981, five pairs of puffins began breeding on the island. Today, there are hundreds. Amidst all of the recent horrible environmental news, it’s refreshing to have a feel-good story.
On our final leg of the sail that day we passed the majestic schooner Stephen Taber built in 1871.
Finally, when we reached our destination in False Whitehead Harbor, we were treated to a magnificent sunset.
A final highlight of our recent cruising has been the town of Camden at the foot of the Camden Hills and protected by Curtis Island and its lighthouse. The Camden Hills provided excellent hiking for us as well as panoramic views of Penobscot Bay. We did have to use our imaginations a bit as fog obscured some of the view.
In our hiking around Camden and elsewhere in Maine, we’ve been taken by the number and variety of mushrooms that cover the forest floor. I thought you’d like this photo fest of them.
Fair winds and following seas!
What a wonderful way to spend August! So glad you two are enjoying it ❣️
I am spending my 1st August in Florida and between the Red Tide, the heat and the storms, it’s definitely a good month to gbr somewhere else!
The pictures of the mushrooms were interesting, and another beautiful sunset.
Hi Dan,
Following your lead and reflecting on all the good times here at Pt Chautauqua and “fall balls and spring flings in an effort to keep the sadness at bay especially this weekend.!!!!
T
Hey Dan,
I’ve been ruminating on this post while I’ve been here at Rhett’s – and have had some extended time on the beach to work in my GriefShare book. I can identify with the recency bias as our last few years were more rocky than the first 17. Robert’s birthday is tomorrow, and the anniversary of his death is 9/1, so I am also experiencing a lot of the ‘anticipation grief’. But, also, like you I have found joy in remembering those good times, raising our family, travelling & laughing. A favorite memory is going to Guatemala with Allie & Rebekah & him to serve alongside of the man who showed him the way of freedom in Christ. He always loved telling stories of Jesus to children through his tiger puppet “Teller”, and though we didn’t speak Spanish, he told the stories and Mike interpreted, and the kids ate it up. This is also one of the reasons those last few years were so difficult, as some of his choices brought pain on so many surrounding him – I was hurt, and in some sense I guess I was disappointed in him. One of the most healing things for me recently is to envision him standing in front of Jesus – as from 2 Corinthians 5:8 where Paul was willing to be absent from the body and present with Christ. He knew his faults, and knew the only way to be whole was to be forgiven by God, and though he walked in a type of rebellion near the end, God still loves and still forgives. And so when I see him standing in front of God, I know he is fully known and fully forgiven and fully free. I no longer carry the pain of watching him suffer with guilt and anger, but am jealous of the freedom he can experience of seeing the full glory of God and letting go of the things of the earth. I don’t know Colleen’s standing with Christ, and none but God knows any internal conversations we have with Him, but I pray that you can also find that comfort, and that freedom that God offers. My favorite verse is John 10:10 – the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and have it to the full! I always enjoyed the 2nd half of that verse, always living my life to the fullest, but experiencing the 1st half I think has given me an even better appreciation for the abundant life that Christ allows me to have!
Stay safe, you all are in our prayers.
Lamarr